When I get stressed, I toy with the idea of eating less.
Please don’t fret… I’m NOT going to stop eating, I just start thinking about it.
I want to know why I do this, why I set deadlines for myself to lose weight, why I can’t be happy with my body the way it is? Sometimes I feel like I’m going to drown and I can’t tell anyone because I’m much too heavy a burden to carry. When I don’t eat, I become unbearable, with my moods, the way I treat everyone and how I obsess. On the flip side, when I don’t eat I feel more alive, in control and I get thin very quickly.
It’s like I need drama in my life to feel like I’m living. Like I’m supposed to be this enigmatic character in a play about my own life. It’s pathetic and sad.
Deep down, I don’t believe that I’m more lovable / acceptable / worthy when I’m thinner, I know I am all those things already… It’s just, sometimes when I get stressed or try to be too perfect (whether that’s in my work, my diet or my relationships) I feel like I have to have some extra help. That’s when I start thinking about not eating again. It’s like a failsafe when my world gets crazy and unmanageable that will always be there for me to fall back on, like nothing ever happened.
Tonight I drank a little too much. Not that it matters, but I had three glasses of wine, too much especially when I’ve not been drinking much at all. At the most, I would drink half a glass of red a week. Recently, work has been very stressful. What do I do? Have a drink! Instead of getting some exercise and taking my B vitamins and fish oils, I fall back on old faithful. I USED to self medicate with alcohol a few years ago. I stopped only when I hit rock bottom. I blacked out at a work function and have a black hole of that night, nearly 6 hours of memory… vanished. Drinking and medication does not mix. One minute I was laughing and in control, the next I was comatose with my husband trying to wake me by dunking me under cold shower to keep me breathing. After that I decided that alcohol was not my friend. It was trying to kill me.
Ever since I’ve been very careful to keep it to only one or two drinks with food. I try to avoid drinking on an empty stomach and take it slowly.
Tonight I let my guard down. I get so annoyed when I face old demons and sometimes don’t have the strength to push them away from me! Ah, but I am human.
I’m still practicing the Warrior Diet and my average calories average between 1300 - 1900 daily, so I’m definitely not cutting back. I’m gaining muscle, this week I bench pressed 40 kgs, after only 3 weeks of serious training. I’m very happy with my results, but am yet to see a drop on the scale. I know for sure I’m getting stronger and the scale is not a reflection of my overall health, it’s an old issue of weight. The hurdle that prevents me from moving forward sometimes. I wish it was easy to let it go! Phobias, fears, insecurities, often feel safer than the unknown world beyond, where there are no limits, measures or boundaries. I’m fine in here, safe in my prejudice!
Slowly. This has been a very slow journey. Each day, each hurdle, I can rise up.
Please don’t lecture me lovely people, I treasure all your kind words and support, this is just me venting my frustrations.
About the Author...
I've finally overcome my destructive eating habits by learning to accept myself, applying the WAPF nutritional principles daily. I'm now at a stable, healthy, slim weight, have lots of energy and no more guilt. I've been happily married for 7 years and am a graphic designer. In the near future I'm hoping to start a nutritional course and start practicing as a qualified nutritionist. At the moment it's all self education.
Aug 8th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Hey Louise! Thanks again for your transparency. I think that your struggles are all too common with so many of us. I know for myself anyway, that I struggle on and off with similar struggles and issues. I recently had a huge epiphany that has really given me alot of hope and a new focus. It was an epiphany of priorities. I realized that I am most content when I’m busy with healthy activities and projects. It seems to give me purpose and pride in what I can accomplish. I’ve been gardening this summer which has been an all new high, I love it. I try new recipes and have started canning. I stopped driving my car in town (I actually just sold it) and now ride my bike everywhere. I’ve decided to get more involved in the community and other peoples lives. I enjoy sharing my projects and the fruits of my labor with others. I find on days where I am bored or grumpy or feeling selfish and lazy that I revert back to my unhealthy ways of thinking. I start comparing myself to others, I start obsessing about weight and food and whatever else. I drink more and eat too much sugar. For myself anyway, it has been so good to focus on bettering and improving myself as a spiritual and emotional person than as a physical person. At one point I was very ‘proud’ of my body, I was in amazing shape and got alot of attention for it. However, I’ve never been so discontent and antsy. I think in my new journey of optimum holistic health, I will not only find myself happy with my physical being, but with my emotion and spiritual being as well.
Peace and Health be with you Louise, life is a confusing journey but it can be fulfilling and joyful! What do you think triggers your ‘low’ days?
Aug 8th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I totally agree Lacey, I’m the same. When I have a focus, a purpose I feel more content. I can keep myself busy and that makes me happy. When things get unpredictable, I get bad again. Mostly stress is a trigger. If I can minimise it as much as possible, I’m ok. The root of my problem is that I equate what I look like with who I am. That’s like saying Barbie is smarter and has a nicer personality than all the other dolls! Irrational. Even so, whenever I quickly lose a couple of kilos I am secretly beaming inside because I could tell my body what to do and it obeyed me. Not to mention the copious amounts of caffeine and sugar I ingest just to keep going! YUCK. I don’t want to be like this anymore, I wish there was an easy way to tell HER to get out of my life forever. Like that best friend that is really nice to you when you’re feeling low, then turns around and stabs you in the back and steals your boyfriend.
Aug 10th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Hi Louise,
“Even so, whenever I quickly lose a couple of kilos I am secretly beaming inside because I could tell my body what to do and it obeyed me”
I love this quote because it was exactly what I keep telling myself for years. Its about control and oh boy is it addictive. I used to set up rules and boundries for eating instead of truely enjoying good food. When I met my girlfriend that ALL changed! My confidence soared, she made me feel like a millon bucks everyday. But the best thing about her was her absolute honesty. As I prepared myself a measely one cup tuna salad for dinner I’d get the “look” accompanied by “Your kidding me right? Your a man for god sake eat like one!” She was right, she is always right for some reason! I train up to six days a week, HARD. I love training always have. A hard weight session clears my mind like nothing else can. I also love to eat. So my new motto that has served me well and I tell myself EVERYDAY is : Train like a demon eat like a horse- I know its not that poetic and horses dont really eat a traditional diet but oh well!
Also beautiful words Lacey. Finding and killing those triggers are the path to healing.
Peace
Dan.
Aug 12th, 2008 at 12:15 am
In her book, The Artists Way, Julia Cameron reccomends flow of consciesness (bad spelling) journalling that she calls the morning pages. She calls it the Morning Pages and reccomends doing it every morning but i’m not a morning person and instead find that the Evening pages work well for me when I feel like I’ve lost my road map or I’m saboutaging myself . It’s nothing like a ‘dear diary…’ style of journal. It’s a powerful healing tool that can help you recover from the damage that your internal critic inflicts. That horrible, perfectionistic, nasty and eternally critical voice that ‘keeps up a constant stream of subversive remarks that are often disguised as the truth’. I fill two A4 pages with furious scribbling every night before I go to bed - it’s my form of mind dump and brain drain and helps me get perspective and distance from all the crappy, negative and fragmented thoughts that would otherwise circle around and around and around and keep me feeling bad about myself or frightened (usually of change).
Aug 12th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Sarah - This is what I try to do, sometimes it is random words, thoughts, a story or a diary entry. Mostly though, I find myself writing poems! Prose usually. You’re right, it helps get rid of mind garbage…. although if I do it late at night, the thoughts seem to keep me awake rather than emptying from my head. I just journal when I feel I need to, might be at midday, might be midnight! Do you want to write an excerpt here? I’m sure everyone would be interested in your ideas, it would help give us all a better picture of what you mean.
Dan - I love your motto! But of course if you are overtraining, there is no difference, you would have swapped one obsession for another. It sounds like you are very balanced now, so I doubt that would be the case. I’m interested to know, what were your triggers before?
Aug 14th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Hey Louise,
I currently train using the crossfit template- 3 days on 1 off. They are typically very brief (15min) workouts Often quite intense. I love it! I have been at a stable healthy weight for 18months and only getting stronger and faster right now. Its not the type of training anyone can jump into but I find it does lend itself very well to a traditional diet. In saying that for some reason crossfit recomends what I believe to be a waaay too low calorie paleo zone diet.
My triggers were fleeting moments like walking past a mirror in a shopping mall or an old shirt not feeling right on me. Sometimes it would be a comment from someone that I would take the wrong way, like “you look great” would mean “you’ve put on weight!”. Stupid I know but I came to love people saying your too skinny and didn’t trust the alternitive. Like I said my girlfriend WAS my recovery. She was the voice of reason when it came to mood triggers. Boy did she have a sense of when I feeling “that” way.
Good luck Louise you are beautiful woman. You are also on the right forum and a path to healing.
peace
Dan.
Aug 17th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Hi Dan, thank you for your kind words…. it helps to know that I am not the only one fighting this.